Working with the younger generation, I have found that many consider themselves to be very giving, loving persons, but complain that others "take advantage" of their giving nature. For a long time I could not comprehend this, because in my reality a gift is freely given, and no-one could possibly "take advantage" by that definition.

After reading Crossing the Treshold of Hope by Pope John Paul II, the answer came. He states "Man affirms himself most completely by giving of himself". These young people had a different view of giving, which was more like bartering than giving, and I began to understand how that arose.

All of them shared a low sense of self-worth, growing up in environments where caring love was unknown. They had therefore learned that they had to "look out for themselves", for no-one else would. Many had been abused as children, or seen their mothers abused.

Seeking love, they had learned that they could satisfy a part of their longing with imitations of love by "giving". If a parent or sibling wanted something they had, they would "give" it to obtain gratitude. They could then respect themselves and feel pride for parting with something they wanted for themselves. This, however, was the opposite of what they sought, for they then saw themselves as unworthy of having what others wanted.

As time progressed, they found they had to "give" more and more in order to obtain respect from others, ending up with less and less for themselves. Others, also feeling "unworthy" and "needy", soon found they could get what they wanted from this "giving" person, and "took" more, demanding what was not freely offered. This, of course, made them secretly feel ashamed for taking advantage of this "good" person. Attempting to rid themselves of guilt, they would become abusive to the "giving" person, demanding more and escalating the vicious circle.

Over time, the "giving" person felt more and more "unlovable", and sought to build self-esteem through a close personal relationship. In all cases, however, they selected a mate that reflected their beliefs about themselves as being unworthy, thus developing the classic "co-dependency" relationship.

When asked why they remained in that relationship, most stated a common answer "He/she makes me feel needed, and boosts my self-esteem". As Scott Peck (Further Along the Road Less Traveled) pointed out, this is the opposite of self-love. Self-esteem is one's perception of how one is seen by others, which automatically implies a lack of self-love. If one knows Self, and loves Self, what others think is immaterial.

If we are all One Self, living with one that "makes me feel needed" prevents us from feeling love for oneself, for a part of Self is constantly seen as "needy", and therefore not perfect, and therefore not wholly lovable. In attempting to fill that "need", and consistently failing (the needy one feels guilty and becomes more needy) the "giver" feels less and less adequate, more unworthy, and the downward spiral continues.

This "unworthiness" prevents true giving, the "sincere gift of self". If a person has no value, who would want that gift? They cannot recognize that their thoughts, their time, their very being has value.

Love requires "the affirmation of a person as a person" (Pope John Paul II). When we love another enough to give of ourselves for the sheer happiness of making that person happy, we see in them their full appreciation, their value of themselves for being worthy of such a great gift. And then we, too, see the value of our gift, the value of our One Self.